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Be Careful What You Wish For

                 I have married myself. I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to meet the male version of me, right down to the weight insecurities and the penchant for fart jokes. Between us our combined age is somewhere around 19.                 This brings me great joy.                 I had decided after many long distance phone calls from my sister that I really wasn’t going to meet a nice guy by sitting on the couch in my living room. I needed to get out. “You’re not getting any younger,” she egged me on. “You know, those kids are going to grow up and leave you and then what are you going to do?”                 So one Saturday night I let the kids help doll me u...
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Life of the Party

   So I picked out my funeral music years ago. It features Steppenwolf in the forefront. I'm pretty sure I can think of some Syracuse priests who would bend a couple of rules and blast some Magic Carpet Ride for me. Believe me, they've done worse. That's why I love them. Anywho, I do spend more than a little time thinking about how I'd like my "after party" to play out. I'm nothing if not morbid. These things are important to me.    First of all, I want a kegger. Absofuckinglutely. And I want there to be all manner of food just like I like it. Huge portions, bottomless red plastic cups. You get the picture. The music is key and must include Steppenwolf, a fantastic Motown medley, Mony Mony, maybe a Monkees song, a little Led Zeppelin and definitely some Levon Helm. And if there's time left and people are feeling sappy, a couple of Van Morrison songs. I'm thinking as I write this that I want to go to this party. Jeez.    And you know I'll be t...
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Fancy Pants

Couple of things I heard this week: “We need to clean the toilet” and “I’ll pay for it.” The latter was in reference to paying $150 to get my hair dyed. Neither one of these made me feel good about myself.          First off, I know of exactly zero men who are good about cleaning a toilet. And I know of even fewer who give a crap if the toilet is actually clean.          That one single comment set me to thinking.          Mostly that I might kick said person’s ass for even saying something so outlandish. Seriously, who’s going to actually clean a dirty toilet other than a wife, girlfriend or mother? I see no fathers, uncles or brothers in this scenario.          Secondly the person who said she’d pay full price on Martha’s Vineyard to get my hair dyed is my daughter. Apparently I’m looking a little worse for wear. ...
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