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A Word to the Wise

   Well it finally happened. That thing that happens after you've spent 40 years eating Doritos and mint chocolate chip ice cream. We have to go on a house diet. I mean everybody. And when your husband has the sugar and you're afraid you're on track to be a caregiver before your time, it's time to adjust the grocery list.
    Oh, don't get me wrong. None of us are ready for this. If you catch me on a bad day I'll tell you I'd rather die with my hand in a potato chip bag than eat another lettuce leaf. And you don't even want to know how my husband is taking this. He prefers to consider it some kind of Russian conspiracy with the Communists  manipulating his blood sugar.
    My son is no fan of this either. Dollars to donuts he's just waiting until we cave and start buying Little Debbies again. He'll bide his time. This isn't his first rodeo.
    When you get to our age though, you start to take this business seriously. Doctors get involved and you have to go get the "blood work." You consider buying measuring cups and eating off of saucers, maybe even buying some diet jello cups or one of those hot-air popcorn poppers we used the 1970s for treat night. I've taken to watching juicer infomercials and even reached for my credit card before I stopped myself, remembering how I used that Tony Little Gazelle for a clothes rack and went into debt paying off NutriSystem when I was in my early 30s.
    I'm hoping this time around I am so old that I finally have a little sense.   
    Someplace along the way, it has occurred to me that all the people I know who have lost significant amounts of weight have done it by using this really strange method: they eat a lot less than I do and they move around a lot more than I do. Go figure. Who knew?
    Oh, I'm nowhere near ready to take up Pilates. I'll starve myself before I go that crazy.
    I am, however, contemplating walking down the stairs a couple more times a day to check in on my husband while he's working. Who else will bring him his diet jello?
    I never thought it would come to this. I remember "old" people I knew measuring their food and putting their pills in those little plastic compartment thingies. They went to the doctor a lot and cut down to half a fried pork chop.
    Let this be a warning to you young ones: start eating kale now before someone with a stethoscope makes the suggestion. Grab a handful of flax seeds and down them with some cucumber water. Turn your car in and get some roller blades or something. You don't want some 28-year-old telling you to stop eating Big Macs when you're 50.
    Now I've got to go start supper. Those chia seeds aren't going to grind themselves.

    Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young. — Theodore Roosevelt



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